Although cats are the best and most wonderful creatures on this
planet, they are quite bizzare...
After Conspiring with the Cats
Association for Taking over Earth (CATE), I have managed to steal some
Top Secret information about the mysterious the guardians of the
underworld.
This is their rules of life (that every cat MUST stick to)
in order to take over the world!
But how these rules will help to
achieve their objectives still remains a total mystery to humans.
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything.
Just sit and stare but occasionally rub their legs.
DOORS:
Do
not allow any closed doors in any room.
To get door open, stand looking
sad at the humans.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and
out and think about several things.
This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If
you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in
time, get to an Oriental rug.
If there is no Oriental rug, shag is
good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as
long as a humans bare foot or expensive clothing.
HAMPERING:
If
one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle,
stay with the busy one.
This is called "helping," otherwise known as
"hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering:"
- When
supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on
and then picked up and comforted.
- For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
- For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to
obscure as much of the work as possible or at least, pretend to doze,
but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
Bite when
you're moved on.
- When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.
Humans love to jump.
- MOST IMPORTANT !
When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk
across keyboard and write a short story.
Bat at mouse pointer on screen
as if it were real.
Then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering
typing in progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible,
dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human,
especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the
dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
This will help their
co-ordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the
human at night so he/she cannot move around.
Even better- lie on his or
hers face, making sure your arse is right on their nose.
When she is
wearing an expensive silk nightie, don't forget to paw it.
This will
create lovely patterns!
LITTER BOX:
When using the
litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible.
Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
The smell is
also very attractive.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide
in a place where the humans cannot find you for a few days.
This will
cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run
away or are lost.
Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with
love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
SLEEPING:
In
order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep
(at least 16 hours per day).
It is generally not difficult to find a
comfortable place to curl up.
Any place a human likes to sit is good,
especially if it contrasts with your fur color.
If it's in a sunbeam
or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better.
Of course, good
places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being
seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such
as rain.
Open windows are a good compromise.
HUMANS:
Humans
have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give
attention to us, and to clean the litter box.
It is important to
maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget
who is the master of the house.
Humans need to know basic rules.
They
can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
You will then have
a smooth-running household.
FOOD:
In order to get the
energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat.
Eating, however, is
only half the fun.
The other half is getting the food.
Cats have two
ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and
must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. The following are
guidelines for getting fed.
- When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
- Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
- Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
- Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to
attempt to get to know it.
Be insistent -- your food will usually not
be so polite and try to leave.
- Table scraps are delicacies
with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part.
It
is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms
of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring
that the humans don't forget you exist.
These include, but are not
limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring
loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the
kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit
and eat while meowing plaintively.
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